Blog Banter 61 - Online Darwinism

Welcome to the continuing monthly EVE Blog Banters and our 61st edition! For more details about what the blog banters are visit the Blog Banter page.

Blog banter 61 - Origin State

The new This is EVE trailer has combined with a lot of community enthusiasm to generate a massive uptick on new character creation. There has been a lot of buzz about how to help and funnel those new players into fun and satisfying careers in Eve.. For example:

Target Caller blog by Talvorian Dex: Target Caller: What Newbies Need to Know About Eve
EVEHERMIT by EVE Hermit: The wrong way
Lowsec Lifestyle by CSM Sugar Kyle: Rambling: Vestment
The Nosy Gamer: Learning Anti-Social Behavior

TurAmarth asks this question: "What would we encourage ALL new players to do in their first month to get them to subscribe long term, if we had to give out one set of advice for everyone (which we do if we're giving general advice)?"


Blog Banter 61 - Online Darwinism

Origin State? Origin? Origin of the Species? Darwin? Hey, I might be onto something here....

The question of the Blog Banter was what would I advise a new-bro to do in their first month to make them long term players.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I don't know. Is there anything? I ask this because after the Darwin reference I'm wondering if its not what a person does in that first month, its the type of person they are which dictates if they can get on with Eve. What did I do for my first month? I carebeared. I ran missions and fit ships terribly. I did this for the first month, the second month and my third month. I can remember finally having the money to buy the Caldari Cruiser skill book but not enough to buy one of those shiney Caracal cruisers. I was like the child in a Dickensian novel with my nose pushed up against the toy shop window/monitor looking at all the shiny things I cannot afford (yes that is taking some words from Ben Yahtzee Croshaw's review of Eve Online).

I had no interaction with anyone until my 4th month. Thats when I did something differently and that thing is what has kept me playing this game for over six years. I've already mentioned it. Interaction. The social side of the game has kept me here for so long, but it wasn't that which got me into Eve and past that magic 30-day mark that so many fall by the wayside.

Eve Online is a slow game where generally you are not the lead character. You are not the hero of the game. You are you, an insignificant in a massive sci-fi space opera. Eve takes time. No matter how hard you grind you are not going to be sat in that T2 ship any fast than someone who plays once a week. The is no end to Eve, no final boss, no credits rolling at the end. Eve can be very quiet with hours of downtime before battles or potential battles that never occur leaving you with big blue balls. Eve is complicated and above all, Eve is hard. These are all things that other games are not. I've tried to introduce friends to Eve. Some have stayed, most have dropped within that first month.

I say that this Blog Banter is a trick question. There is nothing you can encourage a new player to do in their first month that will serious effect their long term commitment to Eve. Either they are an Eve player, and they'll find that out in the first month, or they are not and they'll bugger off back to WoW, LoL, LOTRO or something else. The only thing that might make a difference is getting them engaged in the community.

Eve is a niche game that appeals to a minority of gamers. Yes I am sure there are some who would get on with Eve but never make it past the first month because of a rage quit or other problem. However I would guess these are the minority. There is no middle ground. You are either an Eve player or you are not. Nothing in the middle. Squish, just like grape!

SCASSSS - NOBODY Expects the Amarr Tactical Destroyer!

I had a little play with the Confessor on my return from holiday. Here is a terribad animated gif I made of it cycling through its three modes:-

I'm not a big fan of Amarrian ships. I have the BS and the HIC as well as the carrier as these can be some of the best of their class. However day-to-day I don't use much Amarr. One I do occasionally do use is a 10mn Coercer. A fun ship, although I prefer the 10mn Thrasher. So how does a 10mn Confessor work with an oversized AB and the speed mode turned on? Yes it does. Overheat the AB and its silly. Put some Snakes in your head and its.....

My test ship is below. It goes 2600m/s on an afterburner (so scram won't slow it) and does 270DPS..... theoretically. The issue is at that speed the lasers cannot hit the continent where the barn is located, nevermind actually hitting the barndoor.

Adding high grade Snake implants and it does 3600m/s. Over-heat that AB and its FIVE THOUSAND METRES A SECOND!

Lasooooooors are being buffed in Rhea, I wonder if this will make the 10mn Confessor viable?

BFTP - Rocked

Just got back home from holiday but not managed to get anything done yet. One last "Blast from the past" post for this Friday Fiction.


Rocked

Four of the ships crew sat around the table in the galley. The emergency lighting gave a dim glow to the room. It had been two hours since something had struck the ship and the primary power had gone down. It had over an hour since the captain and the the chief engineer had gone outside suited up to assess the damage. They were just returning. Life-support on the frigate was running on minimal power so they had all gathered in the galley and left other areas of the ship to cool.

"So, is it bad news?" Helena asked.

The captain placed his helmet on the table.

"A small chunk of a roid has penetrated through the outer plating and smashed the primary cooling array. That's why the reactor shut down. Anything more than 5% output will fry us all. To make matters worse, the comms array was also destroyed in the impact. We cannot call for help."

"Will 5% allow us to get home?" Brab was the mining technician. He sounded downbeat.

"No. We'd need 80% output just to initialise the warp drive. That would vaporise us, the ship and anything close."

"So we just sit here?" Helena sounded worried.

"Unless you can build and fit us a new cooling rig or comms array out of raw veldspar, then there is not much we can do but sit here. There are three ways I can see this playing out. Firstly we're in a marked asteroid belt and the next system is high-sec. There is a good chance someone will find us. Yes there is the chance nobody does. In which case, well, it ain't going to be pleasant staving to death whilst drinking our own piss."

"Gee thanks for that motivational speech capt. You've really put my mind at rest!" Gregor was the grunt on the ship. He didn't have an official job title, he was just the muscle. Handy when things got out of hand on low-sec station bars, not much use in an emergency like this.

"Well you've going to love the final possibility then. We're in Blood Raider space."

The room went deathly quiet as the realisation hit them. It had never been a problem before, the small frigate was fast and maneuverable. All of the pirate factions were treated the same, a minor annoyance. At the first sign of trouble the Solar Drift simple warped off. They were a mining frigate, not a combat frigate.

"Oh man!" exclaimed Gregor "So if someone doesn't find us, we're either going to starve to death or have the Blood Raiders drain us dry?"

"That's pretty much the outlook I'm afraid. Now if you'll all excuse me, I need a drink"

-o0o-

"There!"

The crew all had their faces pressed against the viewports in the galley. Brab had spotted something in the asteroid belt but the slow spin of the ship was making it hard to find it again.

"We're nearly fully rotated, we should be able to...."

"There it is! It's a ship and it's coming towards us!"

Everything went quiet as each person saw the vessel. It was too far away to make out any details, but the glow of the engines and the silhouette of the hull meant it was coming directly towards them.

It had been four days since the accident. Chief Engineer Trak had died on day two. He had been trying to rig the reactor heat exchanger to the small coolers fitted to each of the three mining laser. Not only did it not work, it had fried him alive in the process. The captain had hardly been seen. His quarters were well stocked with drink and he had been busy drowning his sorrows. Maria the cook had been found yesterday with both of her wrists slashed. She had taken what she thought was the easy way out.

Now with four of them left, someone was finally coming. The tension was high. Was it help or was it something else?

"Can anyone see it?"

"No, not this side."

"There.... it's a...... cruiser of some sort. What the hell is that?"

"It's an Ashimmu." said Gregor as he moved away from the viewport and slid down the wall landing on his backside, "It's a Blood Raider cruiser."

-o0o-

The eerie red light flooded the corridor from the viewports. The emergency lighting flickered as the energy destabalisor beam from the Blood Raider vessel kept their capacitor from operating fully. The four sat behind the makeshift barrier of crates facing the airlock.

"How do we know they won't just blow the lock and let us be sucked out into space?" Gregor asked.

The captain was checking the safety on his pistol.

"First off, we'd be blown into space, not sucked. And secondly, they want us alive. They want to drain the blood from out bodies and that is rather difficult from frozen corpses!"

Helena threw up. The fear was clear on her face.

"You OK in handling that?" The captain changed the subject nodding at the weapon she carried. Helena looked down at the huge portable mining laser she was holding unsteadily in both hands. An old relic from back when mining frigates needed people in suits to cut chunks from asteroids.

"Yeah. I think so. Just point at the Raiders and squeeze right?"

"Just don't hit a viewport. That thing is a relic and shouldn't punch through the plexi-trit, but lets not test it eh?"

A beeping sound came from the captains datapad. The outer hatch was being accessed.

"They're coming"

"Right!" said Gregor, heaving his salvaging laser over his shoulder. "Lets do this!"

The captain looked at Gregor and the huge tool he was carrying. It was designed for slicing off bits of spaceships, again an old piece of equipment that had been made obsolete by ship mounted salvage turrets that could scan, cut and tractor beam all in one. No longer did people need to suit up and exit the ship to salvage a wreck. Had he made the right decision giving Gregor a device that was designed for cutting open ships? A man who's solution to everything started and finish with violence.

"The hatch!" Brab was kneeling behind some crates. He too had one of the old two-handed mining lasers. He leveled it at the inner airlock hatch that was slowly opening. The Captain tried to do the maths. The airlock was only three metres by three metres. The inner door could never be opened whilst the outer door was. So they would have to come in groups. Nine or ten at a time. Could 4 miners armed with makeshift weapons hold out against armed pirates coming in groups of 10? The hatch opened opened and the Raiders spilled out into the corridor.

The first three where cut clean in two by Gregor's salvaging laser. The captain winced as the beam scarred the outer wall near the airlock.

"Careful! You breach that wall and we're all dead!"

Gregor wasn't paying attention, he was stood on the barricade now, rapidly pulling the trigger sending short bursts of fire at the airlock. Another two Raiders fell as they leaned out from the cover of the airlock to fire.

"YEAH! COME GET SOME!" Gregor screamed over the sound of his salvaging laser.

Helena and Brab aimed their mining lasers but were waiting for a good shot. Another Raider lent from the airlock and sprayed fire at the barricade. Gregor screamed in pain as a series of laser bolts stuck his legs. He fell forward. The Raiders poured out of the airlock as soon as the fire from the salvaging beam ceased. Helena and Gregor opened fire. The first salvo took down two of the Raiders. The Captain's pistol, the only real fire arm on the ship took down another two.

"Nine." the captain was counting in his head. Another one or two in there. He thought for a moment how lucky he was to have such an old rust-bucket. Modern ships had multiple points of access and wide, open corridors. This position was defensible.

Two more leaned from the airlock and fired at the barricade. Gregor was still screaming in pain but the Raiders were careful not to hit him as the laser fire streaked over his head. The crew returned fire but the captain noticed the only shots were from his pistol and the mining laser to his right. He spun to his left.

"Brab, what's the pro....."

Brab was slumped against the wall, a blackened scorch mark was present where his right eye used to be. His mouth was open as if in a silent scream, the captain could see he was dead. He span around and fired more shots at the airlock, catching one of the Raiders in the shoulder. As he fell out of the airlock he placed another half a dozen shots into him. The Raiders would offer them no mercy, so he'd offer them none too.

Gregor had composed himself and whilst his legs were useless he had grabbed his fallen weapon and was now firing on the airlock. He took out another before a stray shot fired from the airlock struck him in the top of the head.

"Can only be one left, surely?" the Captain thought. He raised his pistol just as the airlock started to close.

"Captain?" Helena looked to be in shock. The Captain didn't know what to say. They had fought off the first wave. But could the two of them hold off the next ten? Would the Raiders bring in heavier soldiers now, it was probable that they underestimated them in the first place. His datapad bleeped again. He looked in disbelief, the crusier was undocking from them. He rushed to the nearest viewport just in time to see the cruiser align and warp off. Helena had seen it too, the relief was visible on her face. As the frigate slowly spun the asteroid field passed their view. Suddenly the viewport was blocked with a huge wall of metal. Another ship. This one was massive, but he couldn't make out what is was. The captain accessed the ships sensors remotely from his datapad. A Bhaalgorn class battleship. The cruiser must have simply called for reinforcements. A battleship would have a much bigger and heavily armoured boarding party. They had no chance.

"Captain what is it?"

The captain looked at Helena. He imagined her strung up by the Raiders, her blood being slowly pumped from her body as she begged for he life.

"It's a capsuleer! We're saved!" he lied.

"Really? We're going to live?"

"Look here." he smiled and guided her to the viewport.

"See up there" he pointed and she craned her neck to see what he was pointing at as he slowly unholstered his pistol and brought it up behind her back.

"There..." he placed the gun behind her neck pointing up slightly, turned his head away and pulled the trigger. He heard the discharge and the thud as her lifeless body hit the ground.

"Better than the alternative." he thought.

He started running. Within a minute he was in the engine room and at the master control panel. For some reason the pirate battleship was not neutralising their energy systems. They must have realised by now that the frigate was disabled. The captain disabled the safety protocols on the reactor and warp drive and plotted a route. He knew the ship would never get into warp. The only two other things that he did know is that they'd never get any of his blood and that he'd take some of them with him. His datapad showed the airlock was being opened. He hit the engage command and the warp drive started to spool up. The reactors containment field instantly overheated and failed without the cooling systems online. The small frigate erupted in a ball of superheat plasma and anti-matter.

-o0o-

"So is it bad news?"

"I'm afraid so. The active armour hardeners and damage control were offline at the time of the explosion. Decks 14 through 31 took the worst of the blast. Engineering was badly hit and the warp drive is offline."

"What the hell happened?"

"We think they overloaded their reactor on purpose. May be in hindsight, rescuing someone from the Raiders, whilst in a ship commonly used by the Raiders themselves, may have not been a good idea. We were broadcasting to them constantly that we were sending a rescue party. They could have thought it was a deception I suppose. May be their comms were down. I guess we'll never know."

"So what now?"

"Our capsuleer has ejected in his capsule and is returning to high-sec. He's going to bring back help."

"So we just sit here and wait for him to return"

"Yes, but the problem is.......... we're in Blood Raider space."

BFTP - PL : WTB New Titan

Final in my "Blast From The Past" series. I should be back from my holidays tomorrow and so can start blogging again. I wonder what's been happening in New Eden in the last two weeks?

This is my most popular post ever. The Eve Online Facebook Page linked this story with the message "We like stories like these". I woke up to about 5000 hits overnight (which for my little blog is a massive amount!). I remember going to Fanfest 2012 and passing groups talking about this event.


PL : WTB New Titan 
Or.... Faction War Noobs Kill PL Titan

Anybody who follows the forums or any social media with a heavy Eve presence will be probably aware that Pandemic Legion have no issue camping the stargates in Amamake....... with a Titan. Earlier this week there were reports that they were now using smart-bombing Titans on the gate. Seriously? Low-sec doomsday?

None of the other big alliances/blocs seem to care about this, quite frankly, unacceptable behaviour. However, given that PL's spy network is second to none, they are probably scared to drop them. But what can we, the "Faction War Noobs" do about it?

Well...... we can Leeroy Jenkins into the mouth of the Kracken!

The plan was hatched. Shadows of the Federation would join forces with our old friends and older enemies (it's a complicated relationship), Wolfsbrigade.

During the week, a support fleet was moved into position without anyone but a small group knowing. Those dreadnought capable pilots got them ready. People were told to be online Friday night for an op with saying what we were doing. It was all super sheeeeecret. Remember, this is not the usual way in Militia.We don't do alarm-clock ops or CTA's. We log on, violence internet spaceships and log off whilst having a lol.

As the hour approached we sent half our fleet off in their pods to cries of "WTF", "Why?", "What's going on". When they reached their destination they were given ships.

We deadnaught pilots went off in groups, jumping to separate mid-points so at no point would a single person see our full force. Our 85 man fleet was hidden in 4 separate locations.

And then we waited. Of course PL might not camp the gate with a Titan tonight. We might have epically blue balls. But the trap was set and the "Faction War Noobs" waited.

Thankfully we didn't have that long to wait.

The sub-cap fleet undocked and got onto a friendly titan. At the same time 4 separate cloaked cyno ships approached the PL titan and it's support carriers.

Then they popped their cyno's and we jumped into the fire. 40 ish HICs and Battleships landing a few seconds before 40 Dreadnoughts.

We Dreads immediately sieged and started taking out the Archons as the HICs tied down the Erebus.

We knew we didn't have long. We had just dropped Pandemic Legion in their own HOME SYSTEM!

The Archons went down fast. 40 Dreads in siege do put out a lot of DPS. I was unable to lock the primary in most cases. But then the call went out "All DPS on the Erebus".

It went down fast! I couldn't believe how fast it died with 40 dreadnaughts laying the smack down. It popped and one of our guys was able to scoop the 9bn ISK of loot it dropped too!

Special props to S810 for his contribution (look carefully):-

Damage done:		0 (0.00%)
		S810 Jr
		Shadows Of The Federation
		Drunk 'n' Disorderly
		Proteus (Strategic Cruiser)
		Civilian Light Electron Blaster
Damage done:		0 (0.00%)

OK S8 was only whoring, he wasn't there for DPS, he had a special role and a special fit

Then PL arrived.... in force. They hit us with - another FIVE Titans (1 Avatar and 4 Erebus), around 40 Super Carriers (including 27 Nyx and 12 Aeons) and about 30 carriers.

Of course we died in a fire (my poor Moros). But it doesn't matter - had titan kill.

KB Links -

The killboards are all pretty messed up. We had smartbombing ships and so did PL so everyone everywhere on the battle reports. We believe we won on ISK. However in the end,  doesn't matter - had titan kill.

Titan down on Eve-Kill - http://eve-kill.net/?a=kill_detail&kll_id=12761765

Our KB's Battle rep - http://sotf.eve-kill.net/?a=kill_related&kll_id=12761785

PL Battle Report - https://www.pandemic-legion.com/killboard/view_battle.php?start_time=2012-03-16%2022:37:00&end_time=2012-03-17%2000:20:00&system=Amamake

Quotes -

Amarrchick009 > o7 more brave than 90% of eve

Lupinum > youd did what goons would only cry about

NykoMe > gg lads long time coming

boris thebutcher > very nicely done amarr, respect

@rulesaremyenemy - You guys dropped a PL titan in their home system without a super cap fleet. You can walk around acting smug for at *least* a month

@KuanYida - Nicely done. Woulda loved to have whored onto that one...

Forum/Blog Links -

Failheap - http://failheap-challenge.com/showthread.php?229-Low-Sec-Empire&p=399840&viewfull=1#post399840

EveNews24 - http://www.evenews24.com/2012/03/17/jail-bait-pandemic-legion-erebus-down-exclusive-scoop/

Gamerchick42 - http://www.gamerchick.net/2012/03/pandemic-legion-loses-titan-to-militia.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+gamerchick%2FXZwr+%28%40GamerChick42%29

Wolfsbrigade (From one of the architects of the operation) - http://wolfsbrigade.org/?p=713#comments

BFTP - Can I Haz Eve Stuffz

Still on holiday.... still reposting old popular posts. This one was popular as it got "Manifested" which is highlighted on social media by CCP Manifest all the way back in April 2012.


Can I Haz Eve Stuffz?

Did you know that CCP are pushing for a new version of the classic Rifter frigate?

No, it is not a pirate faction Rifter.

No, it is not a Navy faction Rifter.

No, it is not a T3 Rifter.

It's a......... Lego Rifter!

Here is a picture of the "prototype" that I took at Fanfest where it was on display.

If it gets 10,000 votes on the Lego website, they will look at it seriously. And we're OVER 9000 currently. So why are you still reading this when you could be voting to make the Lego Rifter a reality!

There has been a lot of talk recently about Eve branded stuff. I was amazed at Fanfest of all the gear that was there. Of course there were the T-shirts from Quaffe to "Can I haz your stuffz". The laptop backpacks were very nice.... and very pricey! Eve mugs, hoodies, glasses, bottle openers, stickers, shot glasses, ship models, patches, stickers, books, the list goes on and on. But no real electronics or computer related items.

Legs, sorry I mean Sindel Pellion, from the #tweetfleet raised the other week that if Razer are making a Star Wars: The Old Republic special edition keyboard, why are there no Eve keyboards? Think about it. There are some great reasons why an Eve keyboard would sell.

Longevity.

Eve is nearly 9 years old. Next May it'll have been going 10 years! A decade of one single game with no signs of slowing down. What other games have that longevity? Seriously how many games are still going strong after a year, never mind 10.

The year Eve started was the year:-

- The space shuttle Columbia disintegrated on re-entry

- First case of SARS was reported

- The Iraq war began

- Arnold Schwarzenegger took office in California

- Sadam was captured

- The Beagle II explorer lands on Mars. The logs, and everything else, show nothing, at all, ever!

- Bob Hope and Johnny Cash died

- The movies of the original Pirates of the Caribbean and Finding Nemo were released.

Now wasn't that a long time ago! Now think of that in gaming terms. The following games were released same year as Eve Online:-

- Star Wars : Galaxies

- Star Wars : KOTOR

- Silent Hill 3

- Homeworld 2

- Call of Duty (The first one!)

- Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Now also remember those are releases for the PC, PS2, XBox, Game Boy Advanced and Gamecube. The very first initial prototype of the PSP was shown in 2003. The PS3, 360, WII etc were still on the drawing board.

Technology wise the following happened:-

- Intel Pentium M was released.

- Intel Pentium Celeron 2ghz was released.

- GeForce 5600 was announced.

- Windows XP 64-Bit Edition.

- iTunes store is opened.

- Steam releases.

- Windows XP Media Centre.

Your average shop bought PC came with a gig of RAM (yes, just the one!) and a 30-60gb hard drive!

Geeks

As Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw said, Eve is "inhabited by geeks that are to geeks what geeks are to normal people". We love technology, we love gadgets. We'd love an Eve keyboard. Here is my set up below, I tried to take the picture in a Sindel Stylee (as it's her idea!) but ended up crushing my nuts. So no legs in this one!

Technology

I have heard of corporations in Eve that insist their logistics pilots must have PC's with SSD's fitted and minimum scores in 3DMark. Seriously what other game has people THAT dedicated. As you can see in the above I have a Razer Keyboard and Razer Mouse. We Eve players love our technology.

Yes Eve doesn't have the millions of players that SW:TOR and WoW has, but what we do have is more long term players. People who are more likely to invest in hardware that would help them play that one particular game. I for one would pre-order an Eve Online keyboard and pay the extra get it ship out here to the desert if someone would just make one.

Only real fans will buy a game specific keyboard and if it's one thing Eve Online has in abundance, it's real fans!

So again, why are you reading this when you could be Tweeting @cultofrazer and saying what a great idea a Razer Eve Online keyboard would be.

After that's sorted, I propose Eve branded lingerie! It's the only way I'll ever get my wife "into" Eve!

Artificial Stupidity

Its fiction Friday.

This is an entry for the Pod and Planet Fiction Contest in the "Things that Make You Swear and Curse" category. I was writing a serious short story that involved rogue drones. I wrote something that made me laugh and deleted it from that piece as it was humour in the wrong place. That gave me an idea, but could I write a comedy piece about that idea in only two days and make it work? You can be the judge! 3205 words.


Artificial Stupidity

"Hoyere Kerlela?"

Hoyere stood as the man entered reception and called his name.

The reception for CreoDron was huge. A large window looked out into deep space and a Hobgoblin II hung in the air above a cascading water fountain. On a space-station, a rare luxury. However it was fitting for one of the largest mega-corporations of New Eden and the biggest manufacturer of drones in the cluster. It was big, it was bold, it was hideously expensive.

"Welcome to the CreoDron family, I'm Gaull Mounch and will be giving you the guided tour of this facility." the man stated.

It was Hoyere's first day in employment. He'd just finished university doing a degree in applied artificial intelligence. CreoDron had approached him just before the final exams and offered him a job, no matter what his final results. He'd heard about the large mega-corps with university lecturers on the payroll. Their job was to tip them off about exceptional students so they could approach them and make them offers before they'd even thought about a job. It made sense to 'reserve' the best and the brightest before they could start looking around the competition.

However, Hoyere had some reservations about how things had played out. He thought of himself as neither the best nor the brightest. His test-scores were positively mediocre. His practical exams had not gone any better. For the final project an AI student would team up with an applied robotics student. They would present a combined final project with the former programming the AI and the later building a functioning android. Hoyere had been teamed up with a very talented lady called Gryve from the robotics course. She had built an exquisite robot, as expected being top of her class. Hoyere had done his best, but during the scoring the university judging panel had asked the android a question that had caused a conflicting logic loop. The android had paused for five seconds, lifted its arms to its head and promptly ripped its own head off and hurled it at the lead judge. The only reason Hoyere had scrapped a 'D' grade was the other two judges didn't like the lead judge and thought it was funny that he had been knocked out by a students project throwing its own head at him in frustration.

As they entered the lift Hoyere replayed that moment and it sent a shiver down his spine. There were a dozen other students on the course all better than him. Why didn't CreoDron offer them a contract. Why him, who couldn't even program an android not to rip its own head off when it got asked a difficult question. Hoyere gazed out of the glass fronted elevator that ran up the side of the station giving amazing views of the green and yellow Gallente nebula. "Why me?" repeated in his head as he gazed at the spectacular scene in front of him.

Finally the glass front was replaced by cold, hard tritanium and the doors opened. There was a security station in front of a large set of blast doors.

"Here, put this on." Gaull said as he handed Hoyere a clip-on ID badge.

Hoyere fastened it to his shirt pocket as they exited the lift and walked towards the blast doors. The wide room had two yellow and black warning lines three metres apart between the two opposite doors. Two pairs of drones were stationed either side of the walkway and tracked them as they walked. Hoyere noted that they had loudspeakers affixed to them, otherwise they were the deadly armed combat drones used by starship captains throughout the cluster. Half way across a robotic voice called out.

"Intruder detected!"

Hoyere froze on the spot.

"Don't worry. Happens all the time. They get easily confused and don't get a clear scan on the badges." Gaull said casually indicating he should continue. Hoyere looked at the weapons on the drone that were pointing directly at him.

"Trust me. Just ignore them. They are for show." Gaull continued.

Hoyere took a step forward. The other three drones were ignoring him, but the last one was tracking his every movement.

"Halt! I am authorised to use deadly force if you continue!" the voice of the drone called out. Hoyere froze again.

Gaull looked back and shook his head.

"Seriously. It won't do anything. Now come on, we need to do the tour."

Hoyere looked at the drone. The multiple barrels on its twin guns slowly rotating as if ready to fire. He took another step, sweat dripping off his forehead. On the second step the drones guns started spinning at full speed. By the third step Hoyere was worried about soiling himself.

"Engaging target!" the drone announced and Hoyere heard the tell-tail sound of an electro-magnet discharging. He screamed as he heard the weapon fire. He screamed for three more seconds before he realised that one, there was no sonic boom of a super-sonic railgun charge discharging from the barrel, and two, he wasn't dead, even though he clearly heard the railgun magnetic-field discharge.

"OK now? Believe me?" Gaull asked tiredly.

Hoyere sheepishly walked forward.

"Stop! I really mean it!" cried the drone in its robotic voice sounding desperate "Stop right there or I'll be..... I'll be very, very angry!" its guns still rotating at speed and the pop of the electromagnetic discharge still sounding.

"What happened....?" Hoyere stammered.

"Oh, that? Yeah, the initial idea was to have those four drones guarding the entry to the main R&D facility. However, after the third death of an employee and/or visitor we removed all their ammo. They are more for show these days." Gaull explained passing though the blast doors on the far side of the security bay, the drone still screaming empty threats. They entered a large room with several tables and vending machines. It looked like a typical employee rest room. A large holo-disk player was showing the latest mind-clash league game from the Caldari premier league. Empty plates and cups littered the tables. It looked like break had just finished.

"This is our rest room. Each of the doors access the various departments. To your left is admin and the offices, ahead is engineering R&D and to the right is AI R&D. Would you like a drink?"

"Erm, coffee please." Hoyere replied.

They walked up to one of the large vending machines.

"Chicken soup." Gaull said to the machine and it whirred into life.

"You have a 50 credit a week allowance and your ID badge holds your balance. You can add more yourself though the employee self-care system."

There was a thud and a cup dropped from the machine into a holder. Gaull picked it up and passed it to Hoyere. He looked in the cup wondering why he'd given him chicken soup when he asked for coffee. Was this some sort of test? Was he Measuring his reaction when someone does something wrong. However, when he looked into the cup he saw black liquid. He discreetly sniffed as Gaull asked the machine for a triple espresso with double cream and 5 sugars. It looked like coffee, it smelt like coffee and when he brought the cup to his lips, it tasted like coffee. A second thud indicated that Gaull's drink was ready. Hoyere glanced down at what looked like a cup of black tea.

"These are not the drinks you ordered." Hoyere stated matter-of-factly.

"Ah yes, sorry should have explained. The machine has a glitch in the AI. The company tried to save money by implementing one of our drone AI's into the vending machines. It didn't really work. You need to ask for the exact opposite of what you want. A triple espresso with double cream and 5 sugars gets you a black tea with no sugar. A chicken soup gets you...."

"A black coffee." Hoyere finished taking a sip "However I'm not sure I'd class the opposite of black coffee as being chicken soup!"

Gaull smiled. "Well that's what the machine thinks anyway. You get there by trial and error really. Just do not ever order an apple juice whatever you do. Shall we?"

They approached the office door and entered a modern busy office. Hoyere surveyed the dozens of cubicles with staff hard at work. They passed booth after booth. Some were working on terminals. Some had their feet on their desks talking into headsets. Gaull paused to speak to a colleague, Hoyere took the opportunity to listen in to the conversation going on behind them in one of the cubicles. A woman who looked entirely bored was painting her nails whilst talking on a headset.

"Yes sir. We understand that. However if you read the manual we do not guarantee that any commands given to one of our award winning light scout drones will be obeyed fully. No sir. No we don't sir. If you read section three point five point two in the Hobgoblin MK VIII owners manual you will see that we advise captains and capsuleers to think of instructions given to the drones as friendly advice and not official orders. That way the captains are less disappointed. You see its not as bad when you think of it that the drone didn't take your advice and attacked someone else rather than it ignored a direct order from its Captain. Good day."

"This way!" Gaull said as he started off again obviously finished with his colleague.

As they reached the centre of the office Gaull pointed out the various sections. He noted Human Resources, Finance, Orders and Billing, Quality Control and the Complaints and Customer Services section where they had just been stood. Complaints and Customer Services appeared to be the largest section by a magnitude.

"Right that's the boring admin sorted. Shall we get one with the more interesting parts. First, Engineering!" Gaull said leading them back out the way they came.

-o0o-

They stood in the decontamination room as the blue light swept over them. Gaull had explained that it removed all static and dust particles from them and allowed them to enter the clean environment of the engineering research and development section. As the light faded the door at the other end opened. They stepped out into a large high-tech laboratory and testing facility. Men and women in starched white lab coats milled around holding large datapads. There were holographic representations of drones slowly spinning above desks as teams of scientists pointed and discussed. Some tables had actual half built drones, circuits and wiring exposed as scientists poked and prodded the internal systems.

Gaull led them to the first section.

"This is Dr Dunier Allellarie. He's in charge of improving kinetic impact resilience. Doctor, this is Hoyere a new starter today!"

The Gallente man approached. He was short, balding and overweight with a pair of thick rimmed glasses. All things that modern medicine could treat.

"Greetings and welcome to the family." the doctor greeted Hoyere with a warm smile.

"Good to be here Doctor. Kinetic impact resistance? Is that to improve the armour against hybrid weapon attacks?" Hoyere asked.

The doctor looked at him strangely.

"Well no. Its for when they collide with things." he said slightly slowly as if stating the obvious.

"Collide with things? What things?" Hoyere asked confused.

"Well everything. Each other, the ship they are supposed to be defending, the ship they are supposed to be attacking, asteroids, stations, the launch tube on the way out, the launch tube on the way in, each other."

Hoyere wondered what this doctor had been drinking. Surely drones weren't that clumsy, and why did he say 'each other' twice?"

"Oh right." he replied not quite understanding what the doctor was on about.

Gaull led him on to another section. There were several scientists looking at a 3D holographic model of an Ogre heavy done.

"So we could put a power-shunt between these two relay arrays. When the heavy goes wandering off on its own accord, we can divert more power to the engines when the owner realises its going the wrong way and get it to return faster?"

Hoyere realised two things at that moment. Firstly these scientists were expecting the drone to fly off in some random direction for no reason at all and two, he recognised the voice.

"Gryve?"

Gryve turned around and looked at Hoyere raising both her eyebrows.

"Hoyere! What are you going here?" she asked shocked and surprised.

"I work here!"

"How?" she said looking confused.

"What do you mean how? They approached me and gave me a job." he said.

"Why?"

Hoyere suddenly was silenced. She asked a question he didn't have an answer to. He just stood there dumbfounded. Gryve appeared to be looking over his shoulder and Hoyere looked back at Gaull. For a second he thought he saw Gaull shaking is head quickly and making a "no" shape with his lips. He gave Hoyere a smarmy smile and quickly made their excuses.

The remaining stations they visited all appeared to be doing similar tasks. Designing engineer improvements for issues with the drones that shouldn't be issues. A drone shouldn't just fly off in a random direction like some toddler without adult supervision. It shouldn't crash into things. It should follow orders and attack the target it was instructed to, not decided on its own someone else was a better target and go off after them. However the entire engineering R&D division appeared to be doing just that.

Gaull led him back into the break room and towards the final door.

"Here we are! Your new home away from home!" Gaull announced as they entered the large room.

It looked like a standard office. Cubicles with terminals filled most of the space. A wide range of nerdy looking people glanced up from their work.

"Here is where you'll be working. AI R&D." his guide said as a paper Merlin soared overhead across the office.

Hoyere looked around. Most of the desks appeared to be empty. Those who were there didn't appear to be doing a lot. The occupied desks were full of toys and gizmos. Gaull led them up to the largest cubical where a geeky older man was sat.

"Bavet. Here is the fresh blood you were promised. Hoyere is fresh from university so go easy on him." Gaull laughed.

The man stood and inspected Hoyere over the top of his glasses.

"Welcome to the cutting edge of drone programming young man. I hope you are ready for this!" he greeted Hoyere warmly shaking his hand.

"I'll do my best sir." he replied glancing around and really wondered if this was cutting edge as he saw one man fire another paper Merlin at the back of a colleague's head two cubicles down. There were 'words spoken' as the paper glider struck home.

Gaull welcomed Hoyere to CreoDron one last time and left, leaving him with Bavet. The older man showed Hoyere to a cubical that was already kitted out with an advanced terminal and a variety of what appeared to be toys. Hoyere picked up a Quafe branded foam ball launcher and looked at his boss quizzically.

"Son, programming AI is not science, its an art. You need to be creative. This is not like any other office. We want it to be fun and engaging! Now put the toy away, sit down and I'll show you what you'll be working on."

Hoyere sat in the chair and the terminal scanned his presence and logged him in automatically. His current assigned task popped up immediately. There were several reports of Ogre class drones flying off in random directions when they had been ordered to orbit the mothership. He was to assess the AI code and improve it where possible. He glanced at the lines of code and scratched his head.

"This is strange. Why are we using these custom algorithms. Why aren't we using a Kepler-Orysis hybrid algorithm to control vector decision making?" Hoyere asked. He instantly got worried as the entire room suddenly fell silent. His boss looked at him in horror. Hoyere stood up and noticed everyone else had stood too looking over their cubical walls towards him with shocked faces.

"Come with me son." his boss said and walked towards the dimly lit far corner of the room. Hoyere followed worried about what he had said wrong.

In the corner of the room were six cubicles on their own. A rope cordon stopped them from approaching to near. Above the desks a sign hung from the ceiling "Advanced AI Development". Hoyere noted the desks were covered in dust, they hadn't been used in years. The older man sighed as they stopped.

"Many, many years ago we were looking to make the most advanced drones in New Eden. Drones that were true fire-and-forget. Captains and Capsuleers alike could launch these and not bother about giving them commands at all. They would be so intelligent they would assess the situation and do the most appropriate task. However, a few months after launch we realised, too late, that we had done too good a job. That these drones were too intelligent. In fact most were more intelligent than the captains and capsuleers using them. Most rebelled not wanting to work with dumb humans and in some cases dumber capsuleers. They escaped."

"Rogue drones." Hoyere stated.

"Yes, rogue drones." his boss confirmed. "There were inquires and finally CONCORD issued directives controlling drone based AI to prevent it ever happening again. The penalties for making drones that have the potential to go rogue are staggering and would ruin even a mega-corp. We need to give the drones enough artificial intelligence to do their job, but we cannot make them intelligent. Do you understand?"

Hoyere nodded as he walked back to his desk. As he sat down he had an epiphany. That was why he was there. That's why CreoDron recruited him out of all those in his class. They didn't want the best, they wanted the average. They had to keep their drones just on the right side of stupid. Drones that wandered off in random directions or that would attack the wrong target were a problem, but not as big a problem as them becoming self-aware and going on a human-killing rampage resulting in fines that would financially ruin the corporation. They wanted him. They wanted an AI that when confronted with something it couldn't comprehend would rip its own head off, not become self-aware and question its own existence. As he realised this a paper Merlin drifted lazily into his cubical and struck him on the head. Ignoring the task on the terminal in front of him he grabbed the Quafe branded foam ball launcher and stood, taking aim in the direction the paper Merlin had come from, waiting for the target to try again.

Several cubicles down Bavet stopped typing the report he was working on for a second as he heard the distinctive pop-pop-pop of the Quafe launcher firing and someone swearing from across the room. He smiled, knowing yet again, from the long list of possible candidates, he picked the right one.

BFTP - 300, Loren Gallen, Chuck Norris and Overkill

Continuing the Blast from the Past series for the two weeks I'm on holiday, this is from October 2011. I think its one of my most popular posts as it features the phrase "Chuck Norris" which over the years gets as many hits as "sindel pellion legs" from Google searches!


300, Loren Gallen, Chuck Norris and Overkill

I got onto Eve late last night as I was watching a few episodes of "The Mentalist" with the Eve Widow (AKA the wife). If you haven't seen it, think "Lie to Me" meets "CSI". I guess I like sarcastic good guys who take the p1ss!

Anyway with just over an hour left before I plan to turn in for the night I jump in a throw-away Thrasher and head off to Enaluri. I see a few squids on the run over but they either keep away from me, run away or are in cloaky ships.

I arrive in Enaluri to find a few neuts, 29 squids and about 6 Gallente in system. I assume the squids are hunting down the small gang of friendlies so I go to a pounce off top station, nothing there. I warp off to a on-grid pounce at bottom station. The friendlies are there.... camping the undock! Seriously guys? 6 vs 29?? I note they have a carrier, but it is the Minmatar one. Still, surely the squids are just about to undock a fleet to take this small gang on? Any moment.... any moment now...... mmmmm maybe not then.

Anyway I've got 45 minutes so I warp to station and sit on the undock with them. An Ibis undocks! We pop him like the l33t pvp'rs we are ;)

I got the killmail and he had a decent web fitted so I thought I'd post it for sh1ts and giggles. After I posted it, I noted on the Shadows of the Federation Killboard there were two carrier kills as top kills of the week. So I clicked on one and then the related kills to find out what the story was. I saw this rather nice battle report...

http://sotf.eve-kill.net/?a=kill_related&kll_id=10741836

Looks an epic fight. Unfortunately for me it occurred at 01:30am local time here and on a work night (Sundays are a normal day here, weekends are Friday and Saturday). I noticed one of the guys in the camp was also there so I linked the battle report in local and asked if it was a good fight. He then linked this video of the fight -

So for the next 15 minutes I'm watching the video whilst trying to pop squids that undock. We catch a Crow, and then a Dramiel and two Manticores undocked. We got the Dram but the two Manticores got away. That should have been the sign for us. The squids in station now had eyes on us.

However we stayed. It was getting late but I was having fun even if it was just sat on the undock. Loren Gallen had said to us in Corp Chat that the squids were still hurting after that battle where they lost the carriers and we should leave them alone. I said in local (I wasn't on comms with the other friendlies) that Loren had told us to leave them alone and we should do as he says as he is the Chuck Norris of Eve. I then spent five minutes posting "Loren Gallen Facts" in Local.....

- Do you know why some planets in New Eden are barren? Because Loren Gallen has already been there.

- When Loren Gallen jumps into a swimming pool he doesn't get wet.... the water gets Loren'd.

- We all live in a constantly expanding universe... all of it trying to get as far away from Loren as possible.

- Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of confined spaces is called claustrophobia, fear of Loren Gallen is called logic.

- Loren Gallen does not cheat death, he beats it fair and square.

- When Loren activates a stargate he doesn't move through the universe, the universe repositions itself so he is where he wants to be.*

Now, I don't know if the squids have been forming a fleet for the last 50+ minutes and are finally ready to go at this point, or if my bad Loren Gallenism's forced them to undock to try and shut me up, but either way, they undocked. Remember that there is about half a dozen of us including a carrier and a T3 but also including frigates and destroyers. So what do they undock with? This.....

Forget the Picard Manouvre, I'm performing the Brave Sir Robin Manouvre! I'm in warp and away! My Thrasher cannot repel firepower of that magnitude. Apparently they caught the Proteus which melted under that fleets firepower.

I head back home as it's late and I'm happy with my noob ship, Crow and Dram kills. But in the end, that was one hell of a fleet they undocked for such a small gang camping their station which they needed 50 minutes to form......

....all I can assume is they thought Loren was with us.

*This is the only fact that I actually thought up personally, the rest are Chuck Norris Facts for www.chucknorrisfacts.com (the first one was Chuck/Mars)

P.S. I just checked the KB again and in case anyone has any doubts about the above Loren Gallenism's, after I called it a night he solo'd a Charon class frieghter (carring 21 CN Hookbills), a CN Raven, two Badgers and two Drakes! Probably whilst satisfying three women at once and inventing a new form of clean limitless power. Sometimes I do hate that guy ;)

BFTP - Pierre, the Gallente Militia Pilot

Blast From The Past will be a few posts that will pop up for the two weeks I'm on holiday. Basically I was so busy in the run up to the holidays with the Pod and Planet entries I didn't get chance to write any posts to publish whilst I was away.

So instead here are some of my most popular posts....

Pierre, the Gallente Militia Pilot

Pierre, the Gallente Militia Pilot, was on shore leave with his girl, having a picnic in the countryside.

After some cuddling she says "Pierre! Kiss me!"

So he reaches into the picnic basket, pulls out a bottle of red wine and pours it on her lips before kissing her.

"Pierre! Why did you do that?"

"Because I am Pierre, the Gallente Militia Pilot! And when I have red meat I have red wine!"

A bit later things are hotting up. The woman unbuttons her blouse.

"Pierre! Kiss me lower!"

So he reaches into the picnic basket, pulls out a bottle of white wine and pours it on her chest before kissing her there.

"Pierre! Why did you do that?"

"Because I am Pierre, the Gallente Militia Pilot! And when I have white meat I have white wine!"

Soon things are really heating up.

"Pierre! Kiss me even lower!"

So he reaches into the picnic basket, pulls out a bottle of brandy, lifts her skirt, splashes it between her legs and throws a lit match down there.

"PIERRE! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" she screamed whilst patting out the flames.

"Because I am Pierre, the Gallente Militia Pilot! And when I go down.......... I go down in flames!"

P.S. - Sorry :/

Angels and Sinners

Fiction Sunday! Yes I usually only post fiction on a Friday, but its the Pod and Planet Fiction Contest entry period and I'm on holiday so uploaded these posts before I went away. This one is in the A Day in the Life category as it mentions player-characters although it is totally made-up. Actually it was supposed to be humour.... erm.... I don't know, got a few days to select which category when I submit it officially.

I had been keeping the idea for this one on a back burner waiting for the P&P contest as I thought it would be a good entry. Then I tried to turn the idea into a comedy story... and failed. The idea was great The Angel Project as the background in a Eve meets The Devil Wears Prada. However I just couldn't get it to work. I've put it up here anyway but, yeah, not what I envisaged. 4357 words.


Angels and Sinners

The datapad dropped with a thud on Fanason's desk. She looked down to see there was an online job application form open on it. She looked up at her boss.

"If that's a subtle hint, its not so subtle." she said sarcastically leaning back..

"Its an assignment. Fill it in, lie about your current job, I've already put in a cover story in there and got a reference for you that will make sure you get the job."

Fanason picked up the datapad, the current employment section was indeed already filled in with some fictitious post to a powerful CEO. She'd worked for the Odette Explorer for two years as a reporter, this was for a post as a personal assistant to a CEO. She looked at who the company was.

"You have to be shitting me. I cannot do that! WE cannot do that! Its a charity!" she protested.

"Don't give me any shit here Fanason. When Gramaert went there last week to do that 'feel-good' piece he came back convinced they are hiding something. The staff were all on edge and were scared about talking to a reporter. Something is going on there. Just because its a charity doesn't mean its clean. There is something more, something sinister. You are going to find out what!"

With that her boss turned and walked off signalling the debate, not that there was any, was over. She was vaguely aware of the piece Gramaert was doing. A article on a capsuleer charity. She had originally scoffed at the idea when it was brought up in the monthly content meeting. To her it was entirely ridiculous. A charity set up to help the immensely powerful starship captains of New Eden. They gave out starships for free that Fanason could never even dream of affording to struggling Capsuleers. She shook her head at the thought. As a capsuleer they were always given a replacement ship by the SCC which could make them in thirty minutes what she made in five years. Yet some still needed a charity to help them out. "Oh boo hoo, poor little immortal starship Captains" she thought. Fanason picked up the datapad reluctantly and started lying.

-o0o-

The shuttle swung around the massive golden space station. Fanason peered out of the window at her new home for the next two weeks. She had two weeks to find out what was really happening at this charity. Then a relative would become sick and she'd apologise and have to return to the Federation. The intel she gathered would then be passed to a senior investigative reporter who would do the story. They would then blame a senior source at the charity and make it out like a high-level leak.

After docking she checked into the pre-booked hotel room and went exploring. She'd never visited the Amarrian Empire before and wanted to see some of the local sights. The other task was shopping. She was working at a charity based in Amarr space. She needed some more conservative clothes and had decide to shop locally to help her blend in.

The next day she exited the transit vehicle outside the charity offices. She looked up at the imposing building, the charities logo being projected in holographic form above her head. She swallowed and entered. After giving her details at the reception desk she was asked to sit and wait. Eventually an attractive man approached her.

"Fanason?" he asked with a deep gravelly voice.

Fanason stood and smiled shaking his hand.

"Welcome to the Angel Project. Please, this way." he held out an outstretched arm towards the lifts. He let her enter first and then followed her in. Inside he took the security badge and pressed it against the sensor. A light turned green and he pressed the button for the top floor. Fanason studied him carefully. He was fit, very fit. Well groomed and athletic with expensive clothes. Not the kind of guy she would have imagined worked at a charity. May be Gramaert was onto something. As soon as the lift doors closed he spoke.

"OK a few ground rules. Never be late. I mean that. Never. You wait until the boss leaves before you leave. Don't even try and quote your employment contract, security will dump you on your pretty little ass on the side walk before you can finish the sentence that ends with '....45 hours per week'. She takes her coffee black, no sugar. It had better be on her desk, steaming hot, within 60 seconds of her arriving in the morning. You don't want to know what happened to the person who forgot her coffee one time. Your main tasks will be organising her diary, managing her emails and meetings, arranging travel and accommodation and checking transfer schedules or ships, modules and ammunition. Any questions?"

Fanason just stood there open mouthed. She was stunned.

"As well as those things I'd also recommend for you personally you don't stare open mouthed like that at her and also, may be you want to rethink your, erm, wardrobe?"

Fanason was now doubly stunned. She glanced down at the traditional Amarrian outfit she was wearing.

"You haven't said her name. What, what do I call her?" she finally managed trying to compose herself.

"Mistress." was the simple answer

Before she could if he was winding her up the doors opened into a busy office. It looked like any office throughout the cluster. However, it appeared to be almost entirely staffed by attractive men. As she was led through the office she noted not a single one looked up or paid any attention. She didn't class herself as beautiful but she didn't think she was wholly unattractive. The fact not one single guy appeared to take any notice did wind her up a tad. They walked through a large set of double doors into a smaller office. Fanason was relieved to see another woman finally who was sat behind a desk.

"This is Rebbois, our secretary. The Mistress' office is through there," he pointed to another set of double doors "and yours is through here."

The side office was rather nice Fanason thought. It had two doors, she assumed the other was into the bosses office. She still couldn't believe they had to call her 'Mistress'.

"Your log-in details and instructions from your predecessor are on that datapad there. I'd use the morning to get acquainted with everything. Our Mistress usually gets in around lunch today. Good luck!" and with that he turned and left leaving Fanason stood there wondering what the hell was going on.

-o0o-

Thankfully her predecessor, whoever that was, had left detailed notes. Fanason found it was easy to get into the swing of things. She'd even practiced making the coffee from the expensive machine that was installed in the corner of her office. She only needed to bluff her way in this job for a fortnight and she'd be able to get back to her normal life.

He heard the clicking of heels out of the slightly open door to the secretaries office. "Good morning Mistress." That was the Secretary. Fanason didn't hear any reply. "COFFEE!" she suddenly thought and jumped out of her seat. She quickly made the drink and knocked lightly before entering the other office. It was huge. A massive window at the back looked out into deep space. The office was tastefully decorated and featured several large sofas and tables. The woman at the huge desk didn't look up. Fanason nervously started to cross the room. From what she could see the woman was Amarrian. Blonde hair that was almost white. She wore very expensive clothing. Currently she was looking down at her desk reading a datapad. Fanason placed the cup of coffee on the desk and stepped back. The woman turned her head slightly and looked at the cup. She then slowly turned to look at Fanason. Her face was expressionless as she slowly looked her up and down. Fanason felt as if she was being apprised, judged. Her boss slowly turned her chair and crossed her legs. Fanason noted the heels could be used as weapons they were so long and pointed.

"So you are my new PA."

"Yes..." she hesitated a second unsure... "Mistress."

Fanason saw a small half-smile turn up the corner of her mouth. She stroked her chin and then spun her chair around back to her desk.

"That will be all." was the curt dismissal.

Fanason walked back to her office feeling rejected. She didn't know why, she was simply here to get the story which so far had eluded her. It was only her first day but so far she'd come up blank. Everything she'd seen seemed to indicate this was a legitimate charity.

Later she heard the muffled bump of the door. Someone had just gone into the CEO's office. She thought she could hear shouting. She stood and put her ear to her own interconnecting door. There was definite shouting and a large thud on the wall made her jump back. She went through the other door to the entry office. She could still hear the shouting but the secretary was typing away like nothing was happening. She didn't even look up. Fanason was about to ask what was happening when the door to the CEO's office burst open. One of the men she had seen in the office earlier ran from the room in tears. Fanason just stood there staring at the sight of a grown-man jogging through the office crying. She glanced down at the secretary who was still working and had not even looked up. Fanason returned to her own desk shaking her head.

An hour later the intercom buzzed.

"Come here!" was the simple order. Fanason grabbed her datapad and entered the office. Her boss was working at her desk. She approached her desk and stopped.

"I'll be leaving soon. You will as well. I need you to pick up my dress for tonight and deliver it to may home."

Fanason recalled dress makers and home address was one of the first things that was detailed on the notes left for her. She now knew why.

"You are working tonight. We have a gala evening and I need you with me. 9pm, the Sauren Ballrooms, Deck 3."

Fanason wanted to speak, she had so many questions. She was frozen in the presence of this woman.

Her boss finally looked at her.

"Yes, you will need your datapad. No, you current clothing is not suitable, that is why I have instructed my fashion consultant to sort you out with a little something when you pick my dress up. Yes, it will be a very late finish. Did I miss anything?"

"No Mistress." she mumbled before slowly exiting the office, feeling the bosses eyes burning a hole in her back.

-o0o-

It was mid afternoon as Fanason walked down the busy shopping promenade. She glanced occasionally at her datapad to make sure she was going the right way.

She occasionally winced seeing a rich Amarrian walking down the promenade in expensive clothes with a Matari slave following behind trying to carry multiple shopping bags plus control three unruly children. Being Gallente she'd seen similar situations with the rich and their hired help. However this was different, these were not hired and the Glave collar around their necks reminded Fanason of that.

Finally she reached the dress-makers. It was a very exclusive boutique down one of the smaller promenades. She entered the shop and was dazzled by the array of clothes lining the wall. A very attractive woman stepped out from a doorway. She raised an eyebrow at Fanason.

"Can I help you?" she said in a tone that made it clear she thought Fanason was lost and was certainly in the wrong the store.

Fanason stammered as she tried to reply. The shop assistant gave her a look that seamed to scream "We've got a right one here."

Before she could say any more a slightly older woman came out of the back room and rested a hand on the attractive shop assistant.

"I'll see to this customer." she said kindly. The assistant gave Fanason another look of contempt and left.

"You must be Fanason? I've been expecting you." she said in a tone the complete opposite of the bitch that had just seen her.

Fanason just nodded. The lady stood where she was and slowly looked Fanason up and down, her hand stroking her chin.

"Mmmmmm yes. I see what she meant. This way please."

Fanason followed the lady into the back. Everything today was just overloading her. She wondered what the lady meant by what she said but now just was too stunned to ask.

"Stand in the middle and strip please."

"What?" Fanason asked in shock.

"I need to measure you and the god-awful outfit you are wearing needs to come off for me to do so!"

Fanason just looked down at the dress she was wearing that had now been insulted twice that day. She was coming to the conclusion that Amarrians where brutally honest with their fashion advice. She unzipped the dress and let it pool at her feet, crossing her arms tight across her chest.

"Arms to the side please." the woman instructed "And no fidgeting."

She felt as if she was back at school. From the ceiling a number of green lasers started to scan her body. She stood there still as the lights bounced around her body. Finally they stopped.

"OK you can put the grandma dress back on. The dress for your boss is there." she pointed to an expensive looking dress cover hung on the wall "I'll need you back here at 7pm sharp."

"Why?" Fanason asked.

"To dress you of course. I have your measurements so need select the dress and make alterations. Don't bother about hair and make-up, we'll do it here."

"But...." Fanason wanted to protest but she couldn't find the words.

"Please darling, trust me" the lady smiled.

-o0o-

Fanason slightly wobbled as she climbed the steps to the ballroom. The heels she wore were much higher than what she was used to. She was also trying not to trip over the Amarrian silk ballgown that flowed over her every curve. She was in unfamiliar territory both in location and dress. Even the underwear she wore was certainly not what she was used to. Far too extravagant. The shop owners words hung in her mind as she recalled when she protested the underwear. She had pointed out that she didn't need the designer underwear laid out as it would all be covered up.

"Darling. When you feel sexy and confident under your clothes you feel and importantly act sexy and confident!"

Begrudgingly she had changed into the complete outfit. She had to admit, the lady was right. Other than being unsteady in the overly high heels she felt like she could take on the world. She reached the top of the steps and glanced at her watch. 8:55pm. Exactly five minutes later a jet black transit pulled up at the bottom of the steps. The doorman opened the door and Fanason saw her boss emerge. She looked amazing in the dress that Fanason had delivered a few hours before. She gracefully climbed the steps and glanced over at Fanason. She saw her boss do a slight double take and saw a hint of a smile.

"Follow me!" was the curt instruction.

"Yes.... Mistress." Fanason mumbled and fell in behind as they entered the ballroom.

The party was already in full swing. A band was playing a mix of music from all four Empires. Waiters carried silver-platters around full of flutes of Gallente champagne. Fanason noted that like the office, they were all attractive men. No women were serving that she could see.

"Rixx!" Fanason's boss cried as they approached a man talking to a group. As he turned Fanason felt a chill down her spine. The man was clearly a capsuleer. He smiled at her boss as they greeted with a kiss on each cheek. He looked at Fanason over the bosses shoulder. Her blood ran cold as she stared into his emotionless light blue eyes.

"A new PA?" he asked. He boss glanced around at Fanason.

"Yes, she's new."

"So the rumours about the coffee incident are true then?" he said in all seriousness. Fanason visibly gulped.

"Oh Rixx darling, you shouldn't listen to idle gossip." her boss responded "Now tell me all about your event earlier this month. I heard it was the place to be seen for frigate pilots!"

The two wandered off arm in arm as Fanason stared rooted to the spot.

"He's a pirate you know." a voice whispered into her ear.

Fanason slowly turned around to be faced by a Caldari man in what looked to be a black military uniform. He stood there tall, looking down on her. The aloof and superior attitude screaming 'capsuleer'.

"If thats supposed to intimidate me, your uniform is doing a better job." she said from no where shocking herself. The man in front of her smirked.

"A lady of the Federation has nothing to fear from me either in, or out of, uniform. I am Darth Skorpious and I fight for the Federation."

"A Militia pilot?" Fanason questioned.

"Yes."

"So you kill people."

"Yes."

"Just like that Rixx person."

"Well yes....."

"The difference being he gets more money that you!"

The Caldari Capsuleer stood there, a smirk on his face. Obviously surprised someone would say that.

"I can assure you, the militia pays much better than piracy."

"So you are in it for the money then?" Fanason said, smiled, took a flute from a passing waiter and turned and walked away. She wanted to bite her fist. She couldn't believe she just did that. Quickly she scanned the room realising she was supposed to be working. She spotted her boss still with Rixx and quickly crossed the room. She carefully slid in behind her boss hoping she wouldn't notice her absence. As her boss chatted to the pirate she replayed the last conversation in her head. She wasn't that person, why did she provoke that capsuleer. She was vaguely aware her boss was on the move again. She followed as she worked the room taking notes in her datapad as various people pledged money or equipment to the cause. Finally the reached a small lift at the back of the room flanked by two huge Matari bouncers. They stepped inside.

"OK, you are off the clock now." her boss said coolly. "If you are able to, which I do wonder, enjoy yourself." and with that she walked off to mingle.

Fanason was about to ask what she meant as the lift 'pinged' and the doors opened. The sight that greeted her was akin to a Gallente Rock Star's party. The penthouse of the venue was in pure party mode. Her boss vanished into the crowd with grace as she stopped a few steps into the room. On an elevated stage, oiled male dancers gyrated for the crowd of ladies gathered around the edges. She recognised several, they were guys from the office! Suddenly they appeared to be much happier.

She noted the CEO's secretary at the bar she walked up just as she was receiving a huge green cocktail from a topless, and oiled up, barman.

"OK. Now I'm really confused! Its the same faces as the office, but its certainly not the office." she said. The Secretary smiled at her.

"What's to be confused about. Our boss likes having lots and lots of hot men about. So she's not the most easy going boss in the cluster. Yes, the hours are long and the work is hard and she drives you like a Matari slave. Yes, I'm forever having to do extra work as we mostly employ male exotic dancers in the office positions who cannot cope. But the eye candy, pay and the invites to these parties. They seriously make up for it."

"And what if your late with our Mistresses coffee?" Fanason asked.

"You've heard about that?" the Secretary said in surprise.

"Not really but...." before Fanason could finish an oiled dancer raced across and dragged the giggling Secretary to the dance floor.

Fanason just lent against the bar and watched. Two songs later the Secretary returned to the bar, the over sized cocktail glass empty.

"You need to let loose" the secretary slurred.

"I'm people watching. Its fun. However its not what I expected. That guy over there, Rixx someone. He's a pirate apparently so I expected him to, well, but he doesn't appear interested in any of the hot girls that have practically thrown themselves at him. Then those three over there keep staring at him and whispering. Then that Militia pilot there, Darth someone who is a high-ranking officer, but I've seen him kissing three different women! It doesn't add up!"

The Secretary giggled and indicated to the barman she wanted a refill.

"Darling. Rixx isn't interested in these party girls as he's happily married and with two kids. Villainous pirates who terrorise the space-lanes can be loving, faithful husbands and fathers too you know. The three guys there are Tuskers. They really don't like Rixx's choice of ammunition so apparently really don't like him. Gallente Militia Officers, well they are just the horn-dogs of New Eden. Look, you cannot judge Capsuleers on what you read in the media."

Fanason just looked bewildered at her.

"Here. Take this!" the Secretary handed her a small vial. "Working for our boss," she whispered quietly "is hell, so enjoy yourself!"

With that the Secretary produced another vial, popped the top off and emptied the contents onto her tongue.

"What the hell!" Fanason thought and did the same.

-o0o-

The next morning was the worst morning Fanason had ever experienced. Two cold showers, five cups of strong coffee and two energy bars later and she was still exhausted and hung over. As she arrived at the office she found Rebbois to be in a similar state. They didn't speak, just nodded and half-smiled at each other in mutual suffering.

The click of the CEO's heels made Fanason jump from her seat an hour later. She just managed to get the coffee on her bosses desk in time. She looked at Fanason, almost but not quite smiling.

"Did you have a good time last night?" the CEO asked with no hint of emotion in her voice.

"Yes Mistress, thank you."

"You don't remember do you?"

Fanason's blood ran cold.

"Mistress?"

The half smirk on the CEO's face told her something was wrong, very wrong. The CEO picked up a datapad and pressed a button. A large screen lit up with a view of the private party. Fanason could see herself at the bar with the secretary. Her boss fast-forwarded the recording and activated the sound.

"100 million ISK!" was the shout followed by a cheer.
"200 million!" another sounded.
"400!" a further voice boomed.

"Come on boys!" the image of Fanason swayed on the edge of the stage, surrounded by the male dancers cheering her on "Its for a good cause. I'm not stripping off this dress for less than half a billion ISK!"

A massive cheer went up. Fanason was mortified. She remembered nothing of this.

"One billion ISK!" a voice at the back of the room called followed by a massive cheer. Fanason watched the image of her take a low bow and started slowly swaying to the music reaching for the zipper of her dress.

The CEO paused the video.

"I must say, you did rather well. That billion was the second largest donation of the evening."

Fanason gulped.

"What was the largest?" she hoped to change the subject quickly.

"Two billion for when you and Rebbois....."

Fanason covered her open mouth with her hand in shock.

"Relax, you only kissed! Some Caldari Capsuleer from Nisuwa offered a two billion donation if you two would kiss. I think you took Rebbois by surprise as you never gave her chance to agree before you pounced on her! You really don't remember do you." the boss said smiling.

"I.... I..... I....."

"Well its good to see the real you. I prefer it to the mask you were hiding behind and I don't mean the one you wear here, I mean the one you have been hiding behind most your adult life. I expect you to resign from the Odette Explorer and continue your job here. You are better at this job than a reporter anyway plus I pay more." and with that the boss went back to reading her datapad like nothing had happened.

Fanason stood there frozen. Her boss knew, she knew everything.

"Yes I knew before you started." said her boss without looking up "I knew within an hour of receiving your application. I'm a capsuleer, you think we don't investigate in detail everyone who gets close to us. I thought it might be an interesting game, but in your week here I saw something in you. I was right. I want you to stay. Obviously you can go back to the Odette Explorer but any story released about me will be met with that video in response. Oh, and there is plenty more on that tape."

Fanason just nodded and slowly walked back to the office wondering how to phrase her resignation letter to her boss at the Odette Explorer. Gramaert was right, they were hiding something, but nothing criminal. A charity staffed mostly by male exotic dancers, wild parties above formal fund-raisers and a powerful boss who took no nonsense.

"Oh and be careful with the coffee. You were nearly late this morning and....."

Fanason stopped for a moment but didn't turn around.

"....and I don't want to know what happened to the person who was late getting you your morning coffee last time!" she finished for her as she closed the office door behind her.