Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Eve Outage Causes Confusion and Anger Amongst Nerds

LONDON. 12 August 2014.

A problem with a network router at a London based internet company caused major disruption throughout the UK on Tuesday. Whilst many people could not access smaller, less well known websites such as eBay, there were larger problems when it was discovered that Tranquillity, the Eve Online server, has a large proportion of its traffic routed through this downed server. Reports started coming in worldwide of people unable to play their favourite important internet spaceship game.

When the severity of the problem was realised, the authorities quickly alerted the NCIS (Nerd Crisis Information Service).

Spokesperson for the NCIS, Mr Mike Spock Obi-wan Kirk Vader Star Trek Reynolds Skywalker Smith, told this publication that they had to act quickly. "One of the most dangerous areas during a time like this is acute UV exposure to the gamers. Being unable to log into Eve Online did lead some players to wander around in confusion. Some of these unfortunate souls ended up outside. Eve Online players are usually the colour of tippex and even small exposure to UV rays can lead to cronic sunburn. We have reports of at least four players suffering from instantaneous combustion due to standing in direct sunlight. Cases of severe sunburn are in the thousands."

Problems were first noticed around 09:30 when 475 separate threads were created on the "Eve Online Players" Facebook page asking "Iz Eve down?". The NCIS reported that this was resolved quickly through 4750 replies suggesting before creating a new post, people might want to scroll down just in case someone else asked that same bloody question within the last 32 seconds.

Mr Smith revealed some startling statistics from the outage. "Initial estimates put Kleenex usage up 215% in the early stages of the outage. This jumped to 295% when some people started to suggest that, as it was a 3rd party fault and not the fault of CCP, pilots would not be given free skill points. There were a lot of tears already but this simply drove it up into overdrive. We haven't seen increases in Kleenex usage of these levels since the Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis girl-on-girl scene from the movie 'Black Swan' was uploaded to the internet in 2013."

Further problems with Eve Online sites grew when the popular monitoring site "Eve Offline" went down given that ten thousand geeks were spamming refresh every 25 milliseconds. Mouse sales on Amazon were up 500% by the time the servers eventually come back up.

The Eve players themselves took to social media to vent their rage as many couldn't access the games official forums.

"I cannot log into Eve! Situations like this mean I would have to talk to the girlfriend.... if I had one!"

"Come on CCP! Its not going to be long before the wife realises its an Eve-O video I'm playing on YouTube and I'm only pretending to play!"

"Have they fixed it yet? Have they fixed it yet? Oooooo have they fixed it..... yet?"

"So, can this internet thing do anything else other than spaceships?"

Eve Online player Drackarn, head of the 'ZOMG Eve Iz Down. We Want One Billion Skill Points and a Hand Written Apology from Hilmar Delivered in Person by a Lingerie-clad Mila Kunis Campaign' (ZOMGEIDWWOBSPHWAHDPLMKC) made the following statement.

"Being unable to log onto Eve Online is totally unacceptable. I myself had to spend "quality time" with the wife and moped around the house feeling sad for hours. Whilst the outage was due to a 3rd party issue and effected large sections of the UK's internet infrastructure, the fact is we are self-entitled pricks who don't care about the facts if they go against our arguments. Therefore we demand that CCP give all players one billion skill points and that hand-written, personalised, apologies from the CCP CEO are written to each subscriber and that these are hand-delivered in person by Hollywood actress Mila Kunis wearing only lingerie and high-heels. We consider this only fair given what we had to go through due to no fault what so ever of CCPs. We are Eve Online players, we do not need a reason or justification to rage, we just can."


  1. Brilliant. Haha. Made my day. Thank you sir.

  2. +1 for the Clear Skies reference.

  3. You never do cease to amaze, absolutely brilliant!

  4. Absolutely brilliant! Love the Clear Skies reference. Shared for all my Eve buddies to get a laugh at. You, sir, deserve SP just for this write up!

  5. This post is sorely lacking in your usual interspersed Demotivational style images. I recommend one of Mila Kunis wearing only lingerie and high heels. I'd search for you, but my employer and/or coworkers might disapprove in a way rather problematic to my ability to pay for more Eve.

    p.s. great post.

  6. I would nominate you to be head of 'ZOMG Eve Iz Down. We Want One Billion Skill Points and a Hand Written Apology from Hilmar Delivered in Person by a Lingerie-clad Mila Kunis Campaign' (ZOMGEIDWWOBSPHWAHDPLMKC)' but it seems you already have the post. Consider this comment an affirmation of my intent to vote for your re-election.

    - Than

  7. Love it! Agree with Jakob...some of your usual pics would be icing on the cake...